The meaning of true happiness

It's a spooky, rainy night here at 2:21 a.m. The thunder and lightning makes it no better for me. I feel a slight bit scared and alone. I'm in my apartment. It's completely dark minus the faint light given off by the screen in front of me. I also just cried a lot. Why? I don't know.

I feel so alone tonight and to make matters worst, my boyfriend hasn't returned any of my calls or messages tonight. It leaves me to wonder - Do we lose ourselves and our independence in our relationships? Why am I not happy being there for myself? After all, only I can take care of me.

Why do some women depend on men to be there for them and to make them happy? Why do we need to get married? Is it only for the mere fact that the world needs to be populated? Then why can't we do that without being married? Women are sometimes happier having a man or partner around, someone who can be there no matter what. These 'partners' almost always hurt us in one way or the other. Why do we let them? We are always disappointed at one point or another. They can't be there ALL the time. On the other hand, we can be there for ourselves in the blink of an eye, at the snap of a finger. We know that we are in control of making ourselves happy - everyone is. Some just use that power to find men to do the job that would much better be done by we ourselves. Yes, sometimes we may even disappoint ourselves but the best part is, WE'RE in control to make things better and a disappointing action on our parts often does not lead to questions such as 'Does he love me or does he not?'

Ladies, it's a much simpler world if we decide to make ourselves happy without depending on a man. Some may argue about love. Be with someone who you love and who loves you in return. Any other reason is ridiculous. Remember sometimes the one you love cannot treat you right and make you happy. Yet you are 'happy' just being with him. This brings us to the definition of the word 'happy'. It may be taken in several different contexts but what I'm trying to say is even if he makes you happy, make sure that you can still be happy without him! Remember this and repeat if to yourselves regularly - Only I can give myself true happiness with or without someone else in my life.

Be your own friend before you depend on someone else to be yours.

Ready for responsibilty?

I am happy. I just recovered from one of the biggest pregnancy scares of all times. I would have put my life up for bet that I was. I had all the symptoms and everything. I wouldn't lie, I was a bit disappointed when I found out I wasn't. I had already developed this attachment to my non-existent child. I honestly felt like someone had died when I found out I wasn't. I felt alone since it had only just occurred to me since the past two weeks that it wasn't 'two of us' anymore. Anyway, now I feel like I'm going crazy. See, I'm only 20 and while I was quite ready for this new responsibility, I feel like I was given a second chance to do everything right this time. It made me think.

Do I really want to be married with children at this age? Sure enough, I'll be 21 in two months and time flies in an unbelievable way. Yes, I do love my boyfriend very much but what happened to ME? What happened to MY dreams? I wanted to be a geologist working at NASA making the big bucks. My biggest dream was always having a family since my own mom died when I was much younger. She was seriously super mom. I want to be given the chance to be just like her. Can't I have a family AND a career? What about having fun? Parties anyone? Why can't we just have it all?

I was actually looking at old episodes of Sex and the City and now I'm really wondering. Who am I and where do I want to be 15 years from now? Am I ready to settle down and get married now? Wow, wish I could answer these questions right now.

My first post.

Well hi there. I welcome myself to my new blog and look forward to using this thing religiously in the future in the hopes of expressing myself and letting my feelings out.